Snooze
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Everything posted by Snooze
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A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more petrol to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
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SOmeone's won by then!
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I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
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I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 200 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
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I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
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I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called enquiries. She said, "Hello, Enquiries." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch."
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Cutting and pasting is easier than actually coming up with something worth posting!
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In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, "Cut it out."
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When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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Sponges grow in the ocean. How cool is that? I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
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I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
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I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
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I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
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Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
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Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
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The pet shop owner told me that only one of the budgies was for sale. I asked him why and he told me the others were all on higher perches.
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I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
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What's another word for Thesaurus?
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I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
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I saw this bloke in the high street and the back of his anorak was flicking up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said "Do you earn a living doing that?" He said "Yes, this my lively hood."
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Half the people you know are below average.
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Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
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Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
