Some friday ones..

And true to form, they are terrible....

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet

'Best Before End'

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle."

The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"

The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels."

He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana."

He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my wife I had got a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"

I said, "No, it's permanent."

So I told my wife that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"

I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?"

He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I bought a train ticket and they said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?"

I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?"

He said, "He's not your type."

I said "Can I have Batman Forever?"

He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

And one for the forum.........

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue."

I said "No, just a watch."

i don't know what's scarier.....how crap your jokes are or your new avatar

That was like a 5 mins set from Tim Vine - i'm sure you stole some of them from him!

dear oh dear! i did like the tempin one though!

That was like a 5 mins set from Tim Vine - i'm sure you stole some of them from him!

I can't take credit for them (My sense of humour isn't quite that bad), I believe they are from the late great Tommy Cooper originally.

The funniest only one that made me laugh is:

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first"

He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I love the Bull one and the monkey with the can opener one.